Could two girls change the lives of Canadian junkies?

Well, Naomi and Salome aren't really girls; they are groundbreaking Canadian studies that can help change the world.  Of course, many studies may, rightfully or otherwise, claim that they are significant; NAOMI and SALOME, however,  are different in that they portray the harsh reality, one which politicians are unwilling to even acknowledge, in what must be the ugliest branch of medicine: addictions.  Traditional news media keep mentions of the studies under wraps, as the sensational 'articles' about the crimes of this community bring far too much resources for the cure to be revealed.  Even Big Pharma resists, as I'll reveal below, for the simple reason that (as a study staff member, whose name will remain anonymous, revealed) addiction medicine was not on their priorities.

The Conservatives, who are usually less wrong than the other parties in Canada, certainly make up for it this time.  In an ideal world, drugs, just like every other thing, would be traded on the free market like everything else; this was the case for nineteen centuries, in which chaos (contrary to common belief) did not rule the Earth. This isn't an ideal world, of course, so one has to live with such hare-brained ideas as Prohibition.

Prohibition, in fact, has three populations of people that it maims or kills.  The fulcrum is the addict himself, who risks amputation as a result of impure drug, loss of income when a company drug-tests (which, in Canada, are illicit unless solely for alcohol), and incarceration as a result of law enforcement activity.  The family 'only' suffers emotional complications, but these can be hell on wheels.  Those who choose to assume responsibility and either a) the satisfaction of a moderate amount supplied for free or at cost, or b) abstinence, are also in jeopardy of harm if neither the two usual treatments in Canada are effective.

The standard Canadian treatments for addiction are buprenorphine and l/r methadon (Metadol), although their use is far more common for pain (this is how I have had the opportunity to try both).  Methadon can be used in any dose; however, it is damaging to the nerves, causes tiredness and lethargy in some, and it is more difficult to cease use of.  Furthermore, because it is a mixture of two active drugs, to wit: a) l-methadon, an opiate, and b) r-methadon, a cough suppressant, taking methadon provides the effect of (for example) morphine and dextromethorphan (DM) simultaneously.  Although this is great in nerve pain, where r-methadon and its relatives work better than opiates, it is of no use in organic pain or in addiction.   Buprenorphine is harmless, but is a newer, less trusted drug, and only works up to 32 mg daily; above this, methadon becomes the sole option.

NOTE: For consistency, the drug diamorphine, also called diacetylmorphine, morphine acetate, and heroin, will be hereafter referred to as heroin.  The diluted form of this product sold as a drug of abuse will be referred to as crude heroin.

In other countries, such as Great Britain, all drugs can be, and are, prescribed for all conditions, although a licence is required to prescribe heroin, dipipanone (a drug available only in the UK), and cocaine for addiction treatment only.  Concurrent pain and addiction can be treated (in the bureaucratic sense) as simple pain.  There are a few opiates considered semi-standard for drug addiction treatment, however.   Morphine and heroin, in both oral and injectable form, continue to be used.  Dilaudid is also an option, as are methadon and buprenorphine.

Whew!  That was a damn long introduction.  Time for the story.  So, although the UK had originally floated the idea of quitting crude heroin by using pure heroin, this was also taken up by other countries: Switzerland, Denmark, Holland, and Germany all allow this treatment.  Canadians needed to also have this option; today, there are only two available treatments, neither of which is entirely the answer to the question.  Therefore, in 2005, a study known as NAOMI (the North American Opiate Medication Initiative) was launched in the cities of Vancouver, British Columbia, and Montréal, Québec.  Its goal was to independently test the efficacy of treatment with heroin.

The Vancouver arm of the study needs special mention.  It was held in the Downtown East Side, the poorest postcode in the country.  The problem with crude heroin in the DTES is so godawful that this area has the most heroin abusers per square mile in Canada.

This was a scientific trial; therefore, a control group was also established.  Study participants in the control group received methadon.  The rest of the participants received injections; one-fifth of these got dilaudid, while the rest got heroin. Neither the staff nor the participant knew which injection he was getting.  Each participant was in the study for a year; the trial ended entirely in 2008. Participants, who actually formed an advocacy group for themselves, were royally pissed off about the aftermath.  Some had successfully held down a job thanks to the heroin they received; then, even in its obvious success, the heroin was yanked from within their reach.  Nowhere else did this situation occur.  Either the study results were so good that the situation was made permanent, or the participants were given heroin on compassionate grounds.  In its infinite wisdom, Health Canada so magnanimously refused to do so.

The trial had one unexpected result.  The ten per cent. of people who unknowingly received dilaudid rated it as equal to heroin; there was no perceivable difference.  Although this was a breakthrough, it was nothing shocking.  In fact, a study in India, where buprenorphine is such a common hospital painkiller that it rivals or surpasses morphine in its usage, holds that drug addicts given it ranked buprenorphine (there known as Bupregesic or Morgesic) equal to morphine.

The results just had to be further tested, as if they weren't apparent already.  A new study was figured out, again with no exit plan, called SALOME (the Study to Assess Long-term Opiate Medication Effectiveness), to do so.  This experiment has only one location: Vancouver, again in the Downtown East Side.  The control group, this time, are receiving heroin by injection; the other half are receiving dilaudid.  After six months, half of each group will continue with injections, while the other half will receive oral treatment with the same drug.  The breakdown, then, is as follows: one-quarter of the subjects will be on heroin by injection; one-quarter, on heroin (morphine) by mouth; one-quarter, on dilaudid by injection; and one-quarter, on dilaudid by mouth.

The study started this year—2012.  Just as NAOMI was fraught with difficulties, so is SALOME; however, this time, the problems came from Big Pharma.

There is only one company in Canada which makes ampoules of the proper dosage for use in this setting: this company is Sandoz, the "generic products" (i.e., those that don't make any money) division of Swiss giant Novartis.  Sandoz is well aware that many of its products are habit-forming; it makes almost every known opiate in use around the world, with the exception of national specialties like dipipanone, piritramide, and dextromoramide.  It would stand to make a king's ransom on remedies for addictions, since those remedies are the products themselves.  Therefore, promoting these trials is in the best interest of Sandoz and Novartis.

Let it be said here that dilaudid is a naturally-derived product; it is essentially a chemically-transformed version of morphine, which is prohibitively expensive to manufacture synthetically.  The cheap and traditional way (five thousand years, in my opinion, constitutes tradition) to get morphine is from poppies that grow in the earth.  Therefore, it is possible to have a shortage in morphine, and thus a shortage in dilaudid.

In the true spirit of Murphy's Law, of course, this is what happened; Sandoz announced that there was a shortage of ampoules of the strength required for the SALOME project.  From March to June, SALOME had only enough hydromorphone for 12 or 13 patients (out of 25; the others were on heroin); the targeted number was 60 (out of 100).  It's understandable that there is a limited capacity for hydromorphone; the problem is that Sandoz obviously doesn't have its priorities straight.  Apparently, drug addictions patients are low on the list of priorities, because Sandoz doesn't get the idea of spend money now, make more money later.  Instead, it focuses on pharmacy and hospital distribution, because it makes more money at the present time.

What the people at Sandoz don't understand is that even though dilaudid is an off-patent drug (which means anyone can make and sell it), Sandoz effectively has a monopoly on its distribution within Canuckistan, which means they have zero competition and would receive all profits from the new patients prescribed it for their addictions.  Well, there is Knoll, the original inventors of dilaudid, and then there's Janssen Cilag, and Teva, and Sorres, and Pharmascience, and Purdue, but none of these make the injections.  Knoll makes quick release dilaudid pills; Purdue makes eight-hour delayed release pills; Janssen Cilag makes full-day extended release pills; and Pharmascience makes dilaudid cough syrup, but only Sandoz makes the injections.  Assuming that the situation would stay as it is, that the study would have a positive result, and that hard-core addicts would like the injections, Sandoz would stand to make a killing once doctors realise that the current programme of oral methadone and buprenorphine maintenance needs alternatives.

Thank God and the Flying Spaghetti Monster that the people at SALOME didn't fuck around.  The researchers were quick-minded enough to know that the manufacturing process for dilaudid is rather simple.  Somehow, they managed to obtain a manufacturing licence from Her Majesty's Government and are making the stuff onsite.

Seriously, this research is going to change the world, if politicians don't somehow find a way to bugger it up with moralistic, paternalistic, preachy laws.  Natural opiates like morphine and dilaudid are harmless enough; there is no organ they can harm.  Methadon, though, harms one's nerves and is harder to get off than either morphine or dilaudid.  It should be a valid choice for someone to prefer one of the natural opiates (even buprenorphine, though that isn't really an option at high doses) to the synthetic methadon, and I hope to God that the research which proves it so makes its way into current medical thinking and practice.  Morphine has been around for five thousand years.  Why the hell is it criminal to own it just now, for the last hundred years, when humanity got along just fine without this law before?  And if it must be criminal, give the people that become slaves to it a way out without making them slaves to something worse!

Introduction to Seduction: Losing Your V-Card

(NOTE: This is meant as satire.  If you don't understand what satire is, don't read this.  If you take this seriously, get a life.)

Purpose: To introduce sexual activity into the lives of those people who have heretofore lacked this important skill, as well as to increase the level of proficiency at this vital endeavour for those who have previously been acquainted with it.

Hypothesis: Sexual activity increases the overall level of happiness in an individual's life on an exponential curve.  It also increases brain performance in some individuals.  Sexual activity involves two or more people, reacting, in the presence of EtOH (ethanol, or alcohol), to produce sexual energy.  EtOH is not a reactant, but a consumable catalyst: sexual activity may occur without its presence, but it will occur with less likelihood and at a slower rate.  However, EtOH, when consumed, is metabolised into MeCHO (acetaldehyde), a toxic product, rendering it ineffective once its duration of action ends.

Apparatus:

• One horizontal surface; a bed (an apparatus consisting of mattress, box spring, bed frame, and bed skirt) or the rear bench seat of an automobile will do.
• Excess EtOH (an excess is defined as more than can be used by all of the reactants in the equation together).  If available, morphine or rohypnol may be substituted, as long as reactants are familiar with these catalysts and their mode of action.
• Scissors, in the case of a wardrobe malfunction.
• Instrument sheaths (Trojan® brand preferred, as Durex® brand is known for inferior build quality)
• Lubricant (a light lubricant such as Astroglide® is vital, so as not to compromise integrity of instrument sheath)
• Kama Sutra (optional; not recommended for novices)
• Body paint or whipped cream (see above)
• Handcuffs, rope, cable ties, duct tape, riding crop, paddles (optional; avoid unless highly experienced!)

Note: The pH (probable Hotness) scale is a vital component of the chemical reaction that induces sexual activity.  This scale ranges from 1 to 14, with the optimum score for the purpose of sexual activity being 7.  First, a specimen of the desired gender must be chosen; this can be accomplished visually, after which the pH scale may be employed.  To rate a specimen on the pH scale, it is necessary to verbally interact with them.  A pH of less than 7 indicates that the specimen is bitchy (if they are of the female gender) or an arsehole (if they are of the male gender), with the degree of this fault increasing as pH decreases.  Low pH can be an indicator of low EtOH plasma levels, which can be remedied by adding EtOH; however, this is not always the case.  A pH of more than 7 indicates, regardless of gender, a crier.  High pH can be an indicator of high EtOH plasma levels; this can not be remedied, and a new reactant must be located and chosen either way.

Procedure:

1. Locate one or more specimens; those that are both living and human are preferred for maximum educational value.
2. Once one or more capable and willing specimens have been visually identified, rate each on the pH scale.  Use adequate amount of EtOH for most favourable reaction.  NOTE: Excess EtOH will result in unfavourable results, such as pH increases above the optimum level or buildup of MeCHO, a known toxin.
3. Transfer specimen(s) to a secure location, such as permanent or temporary living quarters, or the rear bench seat of an automobile.  If performing reaction in an automobile, ensure parking brake is engaged.  Avoid performing reaction in toilet stalls or in alley ways.  
4. Remove all outer cladding.  Scissors may at this point be used if the manual method fails.
5. Calibrate instrument.  This may be done either manually or by suction.  WARNING!  Excessive addition of EtOH or morphine (an advanced alternative to EtOH) will result in inability to calibrate instrument effectively!
6. Cover instrument in protective sheathing and lubricate if necessary; lubrication is required if rear receptacle is being used.
7. Insert sheathed instrument into front or rear receptacle, using pulsating motion until sample is obtained.
8. Discard used protective sheathing.
9. If at least two reactants are in acceptable condition, repeat steps five to eight as many times as desired or necessary.  If out of protective sheathing, do not begin reaction; cease experiment immediately.
10. Return outer cladding to reactants.  Ensure that each reactant is sheathed in the outer cladding assigned to them.  Return each reactant to its designated location.
11. Wait at least twenty-four hours before repeating experiment.  Ensure reactants are fresh; do not re-use reactants if freshness can not be determined.  Freshness is determined by lack of MeCHO buildup in reactant.
12. Compare and write up results.

The Big Bang Drinking Game

I love to drink.  I love to drink. I. Love. To. Drink.  I LOVE TO DRINK!  I also like to watch the popular nerd comedy, Big Bang Theory, and hate that damn mentally retarded character Sheldon.  Except I only drink alone, in the morning, and small amounts every day.  I know that other drinkers may not agree with my style of drinking, so I have devised a game which puts together both my hobbies of drinking and watching Big Bang Theory.  So here goes:

Any time Penny says "sweetie", take one drink*.
Any time Sheldon knocks on Penny's door, take two drinks.
Any time Raj whispers, take two drinks.
Any time Sheldon misinterprets sarcasm, take one drink.
Any time the gang buys food, give** two drinks.
Any time Wolowitz says a pick up line, give one drink.
Any time you hear the words, "We built the pyramids", take one drink.
Any time Amy makes Penny uncomfortable, take one drink.
Any time you hear the word, "BAZINGA!", take three drinks.
Any time Wolowitz's mother yells, take two drinks.
Any time the Roommate Agreement is quoted, give two drinks.
Any time Sheldon laughs, take three drinks.
Any time anybody goes upstairs, take one drink and give one drink.
Any time Penny doesn't "get it", give two drinks.
Any time Bernadette says "Howie", give one drink.
Any time Leonard says "Here we go", take two drinks.

*A drink is here defined as one quarter gill or half of a decilitre (50 ml) of whisky, gin, cognac, or absinthe, since that's what real men drink.
** To give a drink is here defined as designating one or more people, up to the number of drinks given, who must each take the number of drinks given divided by the number of people they are given to.

Congratulations!  You will be too intoxicated to walk within fifteen minutes of the show.

College Really Isn't Necessary — Oh, Really?

So I'm looking at some random pictures on the Internet, and by random fortune I click on an article that nearly made me cry.  Lynzee [sic] Stauss, an ostensibly mature high-school student, wrote an article that channelled the worst of Rick Santorum's thoughts on university education and crossed them with a Valley Girl spirit so audacious that I wondered about her natural hair colour.  It had to be blonde.

Miss Stauss apparently believes that "girls need to be girls" in the most stereotypical manner possible: nothing but going out to eat, manicures and pedicures, and shopping, all at their husbands' expense.  Even the bills, Miss Stauss writes, should be paid out of the poor husband's pocket.  To put the final nail in the coffin of gender equality, a status that women the world over toiled to attain for over a hundred years, Miss Stauss writes that Plan B, i.e., female employment, should not be full-time or require post-secondary training to achieve.

I first thought this was a parody.  Her worldview, which some would call unconventional and I would call fucked, certainly could not be the logical, well thought-out ideas of a sharp mind.  The article was also riddled with spelling errors, and when I say article, I mean article.  This piece was clearly part of a published newspaper, and no paper I've ever seen contains a mistake for every column-inch.

As I am wont to do, however, I looked the girl up on a popular social-networking site, of which I am a member.  This is my general ritual when introduced to people—I find that their profiles often offer insight into the deepest aspects of their personality.  As soon as I saw Miss Stauss' profile, I changed my mind instantly.  The social-networking site I was using allows members to publish a short autobiographical entry, and it was to this entry I gravitated.

It was a mirror image to the newspaper article, from the tone down to the spelling and grammar errors, which I have fixed here as I present to you Miss Stauss' auto-bio line.

My name is Lynzee.  I'm 18.  I love life.  I absolutely love my boyfriend; he treats me like a princess.  He is my Prince Charming, and there is nobody out there for me better than him.  I have two of the most amazing friends, Amber and Charisma.  I don't know what I would do without them.


Here's the article in full, again with all the mistakes corrected.  As they say in university literature classes, compare and contrast.  Well, there isn't anything to contrast really: the article uses the same tone, and even the same vocabulary, as the social network bio.

College really isn't necessary


Marriage is something that every girl looks forward to during her childhood.  I believe that every girl should marry every guy that is rich so [girls would] never have to work.  Girls can just go and get their nails done and take the kids shopping.  I don't think that college is necessary, because you go to school twelve years out of your life, and, after that, you should be done.


I can understand if men want to go to school longer to get a better education to work on stuff they like to do.  Every man should have money so he can support his family.  Even if he doesn't want to get married, I think all boys should go to college.  I don't think girls should have to go to college.  They are too busy with their life and family.  I can understand if girls want to go to beauty school, because every girl should have options.  Personally, however, I don't think college is necessary, because girls need to be girls and get their nails done or go shopping.  Have a great time.  I'm not saying boys should have the life of work and distress because they are humans, but they need to work if they want to have a good life, because obviously their wives won't be bringing in the money.  I guarantee that no girl will marry a poor guy, because every girl wants the life of a princess.  When your husband gets home from work, you can go out to eat with all the money he makes, and also pay all the bills.  Girls should all have back-up plans, but nothing that is full-time, and nothing that needs college to succeed.  Maybe like a day-care out of your home.  So, girls, have fun.  Boys, start working!

On Rick Vaive

Reading the newspapers today, I was pleasantly surprised to discover that Rick Vaive, the former team captain of the Toronto Maple Leafs, was found innocent of driving under the influence of alcohol.  In court, Mr Vaive related the touching story of his life---a story that many, including myself, would not relay to our best friends, let alone in open court.  The police arrested a man who, allegedly, had been walking erratically and needed help with his papers upon being pulled over, and to top it off had urinated on himself.  A police station video showed none of this behaviour.

Mr Vaive has had bladder-control issues since he was six; he also suffers from sleep apnea, a disease wherein the brain suffers from oxygen deprivation during the hours of sleep, leading to next-day drowsiness.  The arresting officer said that Mr Vaive was slow to react, needed help in walking, had bloodshot eyes, had a wet stain at the crotch, and smelled of alcohol.  The first five are easy to account for, given Mr Vaive's sleep apnea and urinary leakage; the last, however, is quite a mystery.

Personally, I think that the arresting constable did the same as many witnesses do in court: when faced with an incomplete picture, one tends to "fill in" the ostensibly missing information.  For instance, when presented with the scene before and after a car crash, without the actual crash being shown, many people will attempt to piece together the missing information.  This is what I feel happened, unwittingly, to the constable.

It is completely possible that Mr Vaive, as he claimed, was tired and not drunk.  Tiredness, in fact, can cause identical, although far more severe, impairment in drivers to alcohol.

Yet the Toronto Sun, an otherwise respectable right-of-centre tabloid newspaper, saw fit to run a sensationalist screed that insinuated that Mr Vaive was lying, acquitted solely because of his top-notch counsel.  Michele Mandel, the authoress of this so-called article (I could wipe my arse with it after taking my usual toilet-plugging dump, for all the good it does) ought to check what her species is, because Homo sapiens wouldn't write this kind of thing... although Canis lupus would.  That's right, Mrs Mandel, I'm calling you a bitch.  Mrs Mandel even writes that, by winning, Mr Vaive lost out on his public image, and that "a different scenario... would have done wonders for his image: where the former hockey hero faces the cameras and says he shouldn't drink and drive".  How is that even possible?   If people who won cases like this lost out on their public image, and those that pled guilty (despite their obvious innocence) gained it, stars would be lining up to plead guilty.

Maybe Mrs Mandel is just jealous; she writes yellow journalism for a second-rate rag, and likely doesn't have the money to eat, let alone hire a lawyer.  Maybe she's just plain old pre-menstrual.  Whatever it is, these are not the writings of a sane woman.  Read them yourself: http://tinyurl.com/vaive.

(UNIX) Keyboarding as God Intended - Ubuntu

For most users, Caps Lock is a redundant, rarely-used feature; for the rest, it should be.  It occupies, however, a piece of prime real estate on the keyboard: right next to the letter 'A'.  Meanwhile, the far more important Ctrl key, used every few minutes to accomplish tasks in less time, is in a decidedly more awkward position.  There are ways to fix it, though; this short stub will explain how to set up the keyboard in my favourite layout, which puts Ctrl where Caps Lock is, Alt where Ctrl is, and Caps Lock where Alt is.  This article supports most UNIXes and Linuxes, but for the last part which is Ubuntu-specific.

We will be creating what is known as a .xmodmaprc file.  To do this, open the terminal.  If you don't know how to do this, look it up on a search engine.  At the prompt, type vim ~/.xmodmaprc and press Enter.  The screen should change; if you don't have Vim installed, find out which editors are installed and use one of them.  Type i to activate insert mode; then type the following exactly as seen here. 

! UNIX-style keyboard
remove Lock = Caps_Lock
remove Control = Control_L
remove Mod1 = Alt_L
keysym Caps_Lock = Control_L
keysym Control_L = Alt_L
keysym Alt_L = Caps_Lock
add Lock = Caps_Lock
add Control = Control_L
add Mod1 = Alt_L

When finished, type [Esc]:wq (that is, the Escape key, followed by a colon, followed by w for write and q for quit).

What we now need to do is to make this run at start-up.  If you are running anything other than Ubuntu, you need to find this on an Internet search engine.  If you are running Ubuntu, type [Alt]+F2 (simultaneously) and enter gnome-session-properties into the box, typing [Enter] afterwards.  In the dialogue box that appears, click the Add button and then the box captioned Name.  Enter something memorable, such as UNIX-style key swap and type [Tab].  In the following box, type /usr/bin/xmodmap /home/[user]/.xmodmaprc, where [user] is your user name.  Exit both dialogue boxes and restart your machine for the settings to take effect.

Why Marilyn Hagerty's Review is Ridiculous

Now, I'm the first to acknowledge that I hate the country.  I would never live anywhere that has any less than half a million inhabitants, unless that place is an internationally-recognised tax shelter (like the British Virgin Islands), or has lots of character (like most small towns in Europe).  My favourite locations include places like Toronto, New York, London, Tortola, and Barcelona; this is in contrast to the Canadian prairies, or Didcot in England, where the air stinks of horse shit and tractors on the road are a common sight.  There are a few reasons why I hate the rural parts of the world, all of them related.

I consider news to include things such as murders, multi-car pile-ups, political campaigns, protests, and celebrity deaths.  A cat stuck in a tree is not news; neither is a traffic accident that incurs no injury or death.  If you think non-news events like this belong in the newspaper or on the telly at six o'clock, you are deluded.  Furthermore, university education is supposed to be the rule, not the exception.  If the whole community honours (or worse, mocks) a handful of residents because they have an education beyond high school, what does this say about the intelligence of everybody else?

Shopping at Carrefour, TESCO, or Sainsbury's (Wal-Mart, Target, or Costco for the Yanks and Canadians reading this) is supposed to be routine, not some sort of special occasion.  I think of it as a weekly thing—if I'm out of sugar, I go to TESCO to buy it.  How can you possibly survive going shopping once every three months?  If there are no national or international chain hypermarkets within ten minutes of your place of residence, why the hell are you still living there?

The reason I love huge chain hypermarkets is the same reason I hate huge chain restaurants: character, or lack thereof.  I can go to a Carrefour in Exeter and expect it to carry the same selection of items as found in a Carrefour in Paris, not to mention London.  With goods that are superior when mass-manufactured, such as automobile tyres and household goods, I expect them to be completely identical.  However, I refuse to eat (and pay a premium for) so-called meals microwaved from frozen and served to me.  This is why I eat at places with actual character.  If I want doughnuts in Toronto, I buy them at Dimpflmeier's, a German bakery with an attached café.  If I want bagels, I'll go to Kiva's or What-A-Bagel, two authentic kike bakeries.  Now, I wouldn't give kikes business, except for the fact that bagels are a kike food.

If you're going to go against what I say and eat at a chain place, here's this piece of incredibly secret knowledge accessible to only an elite cabal of foodies: all of what you eat in one location will be accessible at and be cooked to the same recipe as at a location on the other side of the world.  By the way, if you couldn't detect it from my tone (or are an aspie, retard, moron, or eejit), there is no secret cabal—I was being (gasp!) sarcastic.  There is no elite cabal—everybody who isn't an aspie or a retard knows this.

If you're scratching your head and wondering why the bloody fuck I'm writing this, that's okay.  While I was watching the Chicken Noodle Network today in the throes of a bupey high, I heard something about some sort of viral restaurant review.  I Googled it, and was shocked to read that some old biddy in the backwoods of North Dakota had, in absolute honesty, reviewed the local Olive Garden, of all places, for her town newspaper.  If you haven't eaten at Olive Garden for fifteen years or so and remember it only for its mediocre food, please note that this so-called restaurant has transitioned to serving microwaved frozen food—glorified T.V. dinners, in other words.  Also, Olive Garden is about as authentic as silicone implants, and as Italian as any of the characters on Jersey Shore, especially Jennifer "J-Wow" Farley.  I had to triple-check whether this hadn't somehow been reprinted from The Onion.  It hadn't been.

Please, rural America, I know you're stupid... but don't be that stupid.  Don't vote for Rick Santorum, go to university, and, above all, don't review fast food places and big T.V. dinner chains.