Introduction to Seduction: Losing Your V-Card

(NOTE: This is meant as satire.  If you don't understand what satire is, don't read this.  If you take this seriously, get a life.)

Purpose: To introduce sexual activity into the lives of those people who have heretofore lacked this important skill, as well as to increase the level of proficiency at this vital endeavour for those who have previously been acquainted with it.

Hypothesis: Sexual activity increases the overall level of happiness in an individual's life on an exponential curve.  It also increases brain performance in some individuals.  Sexual activity involves two or more people, reacting, in the presence of EtOH (ethanol, or alcohol), to produce sexual energy.  EtOH is not a reactant, but a consumable catalyst: sexual activity may occur without its presence, but it will occur with less likelihood and at a slower rate.  However, EtOH, when consumed, is metabolised into MeCHO (acetaldehyde), a toxic product, rendering it ineffective once its duration of action ends.

Apparatus:

• One horizontal surface; a bed (an apparatus consisting of mattress, box spring, bed frame, and bed skirt) or the rear bench seat of an automobile will do.
• Excess EtOH (an excess is defined as more than can be used by all of the reactants in the equation together).  If available, morphine or rohypnol may be substituted, as long as reactants are familiar with these catalysts and their mode of action.
• Scissors, in the case of a wardrobe malfunction.
• Instrument sheaths (Trojan® brand preferred, as Durex® brand is known for inferior build quality)
• Lubricant (a light lubricant such as Astroglide® is vital, so as not to compromise integrity of instrument sheath)
• Kama Sutra (optional; not recommended for novices)
• Body paint or whipped cream (see above)
• Handcuffs, rope, cable ties, duct tape, riding crop, paddles (optional; avoid unless highly experienced!)

Note: The pH (probable Hotness) scale is a vital component of the chemical reaction that induces sexual activity.  This scale ranges from 1 to 14, with the optimum score for the purpose of sexual activity being 7.  First, a specimen of the desired gender must be chosen; this can be accomplished visually, after which the pH scale may be employed.  To rate a specimen on the pH scale, it is necessary to verbally interact with them.  A pH of less than 7 indicates that the specimen is bitchy (if they are of the female gender) or an arsehole (if they are of the male gender), with the degree of this fault increasing as pH decreases.  Low pH can be an indicator of low EtOH plasma levels, which can be remedied by adding EtOH; however, this is not always the case.  A pH of more than 7 indicates, regardless of gender, a crier.  High pH can be an indicator of high EtOH plasma levels; this can not be remedied, and a new reactant must be located and chosen either way.

Procedure:

1. Locate one or more specimens; those that are both living and human are preferred for maximum educational value.
2. Once one or more capable and willing specimens have been visually identified, rate each on the pH scale.  Use adequate amount of EtOH for most favourable reaction.  NOTE: Excess EtOH will result in unfavourable results, such as pH increases above the optimum level or buildup of MeCHO, a known toxin.
3. Transfer specimen(s) to a secure location, such as permanent or temporary living quarters, or the rear bench seat of an automobile.  If performing reaction in an automobile, ensure parking brake is engaged.  Avoid performing reaction in toilet stalls or in alley ways.  
4. Remove all outer cladding.  Scissors may at this point be used if the manual method fails.
5. Calibrate instrument.  This may be done either manually or by suction.  WARNING!  Excessive addition of EtOH or morphine (an advanced alternative to EtOH) will result in inability to calibrate instrument effectively!
6. Cover instrument in protective sheathing and lubricate if necessary; lubrication is required if rear receptacle is being used.
7. Insert sheathed instrument into front or rear receptacle, using pulsating motion until sample is obtained.
8. Discard used protective sheathing.
9. If at least two reactants are in acceptable condition, repeat steps five to eight as many times as desired or necessary.  If out of protective sheathing, do not begin reaction; cease experiment immediately.
10. Return outer cladding to reactants.  Ensure that each reactant is sheathed in the outer cladding assigned to them.  Return each reactant to its designated location.
11. Wait at least twenty-four hours before repeating experiment.  Ensure reactants are fresh; do not re-use reactants if freshness can not be determined.  Freshness is determined by lack of MeCHO buildup in reactant.
12. Compare and write up results.