The Scotch Neverendum

In the wake of the goatfuck and clusterfuck that was the separation referendum in Scotland, I made several bold predictions on Twatter.  Of course, as thanks, I got bombarded with acid, poison, and hate-mail, but I persevered, and these predictions, by and large, turned out to be true.  Yes, I have fuck-all to do with Scotland, but the Mesopotamian Emergency is similarly analysed by people who have, by rights, fuck-all to do with it.

The fact is that, by and large, the only people who voted YES in that election were either an inch away from the fence, or belligerent, Buckie-swilling, kilt-wearing neds (the Scotch equivalent of English chavs or American white trash/rednecks) under the age of 26.  None of the issues at hand were solved, in any meaningful way, by the YES campaign.  It was all just a load of smoke and fucking mirrors.  Duck, dodge, evade, deny, and then blame British imperialism.  The rhetoric and tactics (but, surprisingly, not the policies) of the leader of the Scottish National Party, a potato bearing the name of Alex Salmond (very fishy!), bring to mind the rhetoric and tactics of a certain Austrian corporal and German chancellor.

I was actually scared that YES would win.  The reason was, really, their loudness.  By and large, they are an uncultured, loud-mouthed bunch, and this was fully taken advantage of by Salmond and his gang of malcontents.  A robotic account was set up on Twatter to echo ("retweet" in Twatter newspeak) every single derogatory or pejorative remark by those who chose to vote NO.  This exposed them to hate-mail; when I responded in solidarity, I was likewise bombarded.  Four constituencies voted YES in the referendum: Dundee, Glasgow, North Lanark, and West Dunbarton.  All four, coincidentally (or not), are ones where the tattoo-to-tooth ratio is highest.  All in all, though, the result was surprisingly narrow: forty-five per cent. for separation.

In spite of this, I predicted that NO would win.  I was right.  I also predicted that world leaders would come out in opposition.  I was right.  Finally, I predicted that Alex Salmond would resign in disgrace.  I was right.  

Salmond's resignation, while something I desperately wanted, opens up a new can of worms.  He had said, before his exit, that he would continue to serve his mandate, separation or not.  He lied.  Either that, or he was pushed out against his will.  Both, to my surprise, are equally likely.  Why does this open up a can of worms, you ask.  The reason is that he had made a promise to respect the sovereign will of Scotland's sons and daughters, and that a second referendum would only come after a "generation".  The unspoken rider to this is that this promise would be binding on Salmond only.  So despite the fact that I hate the fat fuck with a passion, I am actually sorry to see him go, for one reason, and one reason only.

When Salmond leaves, he will be replaced by a woman named Nikki Sturgeon, also known as Fishisaurus Regina.  Sturgeon will angle for yet another referendum and, based on the way the British government dropped the ball last time, they're going to let themselves get fucked by Fishisaurus and her six-foot strap-on, again without the simple courtesy of a reach-round.  The only upside is that Sturgeon isn't such a National Sozialist, or at least she doesn't appear that way.

Salmond's back room deals involved extortion of financial corporations and even the governing people of the University of St Andrews (the Scotch counterpart of Yale).  I don't think Sturgeon is that bad.  Although I suppose I should be careful what I wish for: a kinder, nicer SNP leader might attract another 5% to vote YES next time around, and then we'd seriously be fucked.  And there will be a "next time around", believe you me.

The only possible solution would be a Conservative-Ukip coalition, with Ukip winning seats in Scotland.  Let's pray it happens.  Hold on tight to your hats and your arses, people... because they just might get blown off from under you.