A Break-Up eMail... would you believe this was auto-written?

So, here's a break-up eMail I had written by a website... just tick a few boxes when the time comes, and next thing you'll be singing is, "Breaking up is easy to do!"


Dear Bitch,

I'm writing you this email because I think our relationship has run its course. Your arrogance seems to have no limits; it's as if you think you're actually somebody. I know you'll probably tell everyone that you dumped me, because you're a liar. But everyone knows that already, so they won't believe you. You couldn't even pass your exams without cheating; I should have known you'd cheat on me too, prick. It might be hard for you to believe, but one thing I can tell you for sure: you really need to work on your skills in bed. I mean, you're just plain bad at sex. Maybe part of the problem is that you drink so much. You can't actually call gin-flakes or beerios breakfast. I'm fed up with kissing an ashtray and seeing you waste your money on cancer sticks every day. It's disgusting. Doing drugs so much really got in the way of more important things. You need to clean yourself up.

And as if that wasn't enough, you have to criticize me all the time! Now it's my turn to be the critic. I give you one thumb up: stick it up your ass! All that nagging of yours worked, assuming your intent was to get rid of me. At first I couldn't understand what smelled so bad when I spent time with you, but now it's clear: you're spoiled like a piece of meat left out in the sun. You don't live in a soap opera, so quit causing so much drama. I'm not a puppet, you can't just control me by pulling on a string, so why do you try to control everything I do? I need my freedom, and there's nothing you can do about it.

Sorry, but you're not even worth keeping as a friend. It's not you, it's me. Really. You may not have realized, but I saw you with him, you fat-fried hamburger-humper! You may not have realized, but I saw you with her too, you greasy-heeled cunt-sniffer! I never want to see you again, jerkface! Stay away from me or I'll beat you with a frozen salmon. I think you get the idea: this relationship is over.

Enjoy your new freedom, slut!
Dude

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