Family Dynamics

Families.  Everyone has them.  Can't live with them, can't live without them.  My life this week, unfortunately, revolves mostly around the former.

First of all, I have issues with anxiety; this causes problems at home and at school, because nobody seems to understand that at some points my stress level soars to the point that I feel about as burnt out as a bag of horse on the end of a spoon.  My mother understands this theoretically; however, her continual criticism of my problems just makes it worse.  I feel as if my intelligence is being insulted; she continually says that she understands my stress problem, and then badgers me about my lateness, about the first impression I give to others, and a million other things.  It's as if someone was continually telling me, "I don't mean to insult you, but you're a cunt."  I ignore it nine times out of ten, but sometimes, too much is too bloody much!

Depending on who you may ask, I may, or may not, have issues with abuse of certain substances.  This, I think, is linked to my anxiety; if I were in perfect psychiatric health, I feel certain that my abuses would slow down.  My shrink has me on antidepressants, which I refuse to take.  I don't need a quick fix, I need my brain to snap back into place.  Valium offers a temporary respite from the stress, and the oxycodone helps me feel, quite literally, good.  Yet I feel, almost constantly, that if I lived in a situation that I could stop time, sit down, think, and start time up again, I could perhaps function!

Property, too, is a large problem for me.  Why can't people understand the simple idea of ask before you take?  I usually let people borrow or take things from me, as I am of the giving sort, but I simply won't stand for people taking my last penny (out of a joint account, admittedly) without at the very least informing me before the fact!

There.  I'm done ranting now.  You can close the tab now and enjoy the rest of your day.