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Friday, April 1, 2011

Commencement Speech

If I was told to write and present a commencement speech, it would go like this:

Gentlemen, ladies, and my friends of the class of 2012!  If I were to offer you only one piece of scientifically-proven, undeniable advice, it would be this: exercise.  The benefits of physical exercise have been proven in countless studies by a multitude of socially-awkward people in white coats. From here on in, however, we will leave the concept of empirical proof behind and move into the realm of material gathered purely in my (admittedly few) years of experience.  I will dispense my advice now.

The first verse of an old English drinking song, and I translate from the Latin, goes: »Let's party and enjoy ourselves, because, after the joys of youth and the sorrows of age, the earth shall have us.»  I ask you to keep this in mind as the odometer of your life, so to speak, creeps past 20, 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, and 80.  When you hit a bump in the road, or go round a hairpin bend, always remember that the steering wheel, or handlebars, if you prefer, is in your hands.

Having heard this, you will be thinking one of two things: a) this is obvious, or b) why not just go with the flow?  Trust me, however, that when you have your first lawsuit, or enter rehab for the first time, or, by a series of coincidences, become part of a highly dysfunctional family, or be passed over for a promotion because your boss's fourth cousin six times removed, with no qualifying education  or experience whatever, applies for the same job, you will be feeling as if you are running in a hamster wheel.

Enjoy your good looks, and treat your body with the respect it deserves, as you'll only ever get one. Don't bugger around with your hair, or your nose, or your ears.  If you do, by the time your fiftieth birthday rolls around, people will think you're ready for the retirement home, and you will look at pictures of yourself wondering why your sex life has taken a downturn.

Sing.  Dance.  Do the Loco-Motion.  Even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.

Be nice to your parents.  Get to know them, because you will wake up one day and find that you can't anymore.  Try to get along with your siblings; they are your closest link to the past.  Understand that friends come and go, and only a very small minority will remain close to you for the entirety of your short lives, and stick with you through thick and thin.

Independence is essential.  You may have wealthy parents, or a significant other that brings home the bacon, or you may break the casino in Monaco or Las Vegas.  When you hit a lucky break such as this, enjoy yourself, but keep in the back of your mind that these are usually one-time deals, and money gained like this always runs out eventually.

Live in London for a while, but get out before you build up so much speed that you crash. Live in Amsterdam or St Thomas for a while, but get out before you slow down so much that you start going backwards.

Maybe you'll settle down in Manhattan or Paris, maybe you'll end up on a farm in Alberta.  Maybe you'll get married, maybe your spouse and job will be one and the same.  Maybe you'll be a 40-year old virgin, maybe you'll wear out enough mattresses to stock a Sleep Country and enough kitchen counters to stock a Home Depot.  Maybe you'll have one point five children and a dog, maybe you'll live on your own.

Do not waste your time on jealousy, especially when it comes to relationships between a man and a woman.  It doesn't solve any problems; if he or she has it in his or her personality, or if he or she feels unhappy or oppressed, your significant other will be unfaithful, and will do it in such a way that you do not know about it. If you do find about it, rest assured that this was planned; just as some people attempt suicide as a plea for attention or as a warning, some people cheat on their partners.

For the same reason, don't be possessive.  Your partner is not an inanimate object.  Your partner is not your property.  Your partner will have friends and acquaintances of the other sex; this is normal and does not mean that anything is going on.  If you are possessive, your partner will be unfaithful.  This is his or her way of reminding you how to properly treat him or her,

You may choose to obey my advice.  You may choose not to.  But trust me on the exercise.

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