All right. Now, not many of you would know this (except perhaps those who may know me from another life) but I am interested in the debate on Scotch separation from the United Kingdom. Strangely enough, I hold no fixed opinion on this except for some vague, idealistic concept that it would be good for what's left of the Empire to stay together and not fight amongst ourselves like so many toothless Mancunian football hooligans. So much for that.
Now, I find the British Labour Party plebeian and outre beyond belief. But Alex Salmond, together with his ship of fools, is the merest blackguard, the most common blatherskite, and the worst possible sort of wanker ever to grace the Parliament of Scotland. This is the arsehole that, through Imperial Decree, and out of petulant gall, established that universities in Scotland would be free for Scotchmen, free for Frenchmen, free for Dutchmen, in fact, free for damn near everyone except Englishmen! I think that if he suddenly went on telly with a shotgun and shot himself in his bloody great stupid gob, he'd be doing us all a big favour. I hate his guts. Fucking douchebag.
So, yesterday's debate was between the great paragon of the proletariat Alistair Darling, and Scotland's ugly, obese, smelly fish, Alex Salmond. And even if I didn't hate fuckface Salmond before I saw the thing, I fucking despise him now, just because of what he said. Darling, despite his proletarian-ness, came across as intelligent, reasonable, and a real darling. He was a lawyer before he sold his soul for a place in Parliament, that is, if he ever had one, and he proved that he still was every inch a competent lawyer.
Some background information: if Scotland separates, Salmond says, they will continue to use the pound, in a formal currency union with England. Several of the big-wigs in the central British government, located in Westminster, have alternately said that this will happen when pigs fly, when it will rain up rather than down, when the grass turns blue and the sky turns green, and when Birnam Wood comes to Dunsinane. Salmond has repeatedly ignored these hints, and stubbornly continues to believe that this is just pre-negotiation posturing.
The second part of the debate was where Darling shone. He asked Salmond the question that has always been on everyone's mind: what currency will Scotland use if the pound is not an option? Continuing to use the pound, Darling wisely said, was like insisting on a joint account with your ex even after you'd fucking divorced her. The pound doesn't belong to Scotland. Nor does it belong to England, Ireland, or Wales! It is property of the Crowns united. You can take your Crown back, Scotland, but the pound is community property... and if your ex-partners want to keep it... let them fuggin' keep it God damn it! Fucking Jesus Almighty!
Of course, Salmond's reply basically boiled down to the same thing a petulant six-year-old in the middle of a temper tantrum might say: namely, that the pound is an option, no ifs, ands, or buts. So Darling asked him to try something very difficult: to think, just for a short moment, of the possibility that maybe, just maybe, the Great Gobshite Salmond might be mistaken. Of course, Salmond had no reply. That's when the boos and head-shaking started.
The childish misbehaviour of Salmond eventually caused even super-calm, super-patient Darling to lose his cool and say that a six-year old could identify a nation's capital, flag, and currency, and that Salmond couldn't even manage the last one. At this point, Salmond said that the options were enumerated in some obscure government think tank report, but that he wasn't going to talk about that, but about what was best for Scotland. The question wasn't what's best for Scotland. The question was, what's plan B? What's plan C for that matter?
Darling continued to chip away at the smelly old fish for quite a while like this. He implied that because Salmond was so stupid as to not understand, he was going to take him on a process of elimination. The euro? No, says Salmond. A new Scottish currency? No, says Salmond. Unofficial use of the pound (which would tank both economies at once)? No comment, says Salmond, but I want what's best for Scotland. Fucking idiot.
In fact, all this bullshit reminds him, says Darling, of the time gobshite Salmond claimed to have a court decision saying that Scotland could automatically enter the EU no questions asked after independence. Where, people said, and sued Salmond's moron gallery to find out. Two years later, it transpired that there was no decision.
Honestly, I had no idea Darling would do so well. He essentially echoed my questions, and more or less in the same way I would have asked them, only he did it in a nicer way. Salmond still hadn't come up with anything by the time his cross-examination was over. Then again, he's a barrister. I should have known.
So then it's fuckhead Salmond's turn. Instead of asking pertinent questions like Darling did, his first two questions were in fact statements pointing at a few jokes made by British government people on slow days. The first was something like Scotland will have to drive on the right side of the road if they separate, and the second was something like Scotland will now be vulnerable to attack by aliens from outer space if they separate.
Haven't you ever heard of a joke before? says Darling. Well said. Alex, old boy, you're going to lose this one... now do us all a favour, old chap. Go in your father's barn, grab his fowling piece (you do know what a shotgun is, right Alex?), put it in your mouth or rectum or whatever that gaping hole in your face is, and pull the fucking trigger.
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