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Sunday, May 6, 2012

Introduction to Seduction: Losing Your V-Card

(NOTE: This is meant as satire.  If you don't understand what satire is, don't read this.  If you take this seriously, get a life.)

Purpose: To introduce sexual activity into the lives of those people who have heretofore lacked this important skill, as well as to increase the level of proficiency at this vital endeavour for those who have previously been acquainted with it.

Hypothesis: Sexual activity increases the overall level of happiness in an individual's life on an exponential curve.  It also increases brain performance in some individuals.  Sexual activity involves two or more people, reacting, in the presence of EtOH (ethanol, or alcohol), to produce sexual energy.  EtOH is not a reactant, but a consumable catalyst: sexual activity may occur without its presence, but it will occur with less likelihood and at a slower rate.  However, EtOH, when consumed, is metabolised into MeCHO (acetaldehyde), a toxic product, rendering it ineffective once its duration of action ends.

Apparatus:

  • One horizontal surface; a bed (an apparatus consisting of mattress, box spring, bed frame, and bed skirt) or the rear bench seat of an automobile will do.
  • Excess EtOH (an excess is defined as more than can be used by all of the reactants in the equation together).  If available, morphine or rohypnol may be substituted, as long as reactants are familiar with these catalysts and their mode of action.
  • Scissors, in the case of a wardrobe malfunction.
  • Instrument sheaths (Trojan® brand preferred, as Durex® brand is known for inferior build quality)
  • Lubricant (a light lubricant such as Astroglide® is vital, so as not to compromise integrity of instrument sheath)
  • Kama Sutra (optional; not recommended for novices)
  • Body paint or whipped cream (see above)
  • Handcuffs, rope, cable ties, duct tape, riding crop, paddles (optional; avoid unless highly experienced!)
Note: The pH (probable Hotness) scale is a vital component of the chemical reaction that induces sexual activity.  This scale ranges from 1 to 14, with the optimum score for the purpose of sexual activity being 7.  First, a specimen of the desired gender must be chosen; this can be accomplished visually, after which the pH scale may be employed.  To rate a specimen on the pH scale, it is necessary to verbally interact with them.  A pH of less than 7 indicates that the specimen is bitchy (if they are of the female gender) or an arsehole (if they are of the male gender), with the degree of this fault increasing as pH decreases.  Low pH can be an indicator of low EtOH plasma levels, which can be remedied by adding EtOH; however, this is not always the case.  A pH of more than 7 indicates, regardless of gender, a crier.  High pH can be an indicator of high EtOH plasma levels; this can not be remedied, and a new reactant must be located and chosen either way.

Procedure:
  1. Locate one or more specimens; those that are both living and human are preferred for maximum educational value.
  2. Once one or more capable and willing specimens have been visually identified, rate each on the pH scale.  Use adequate amount of EtOH for most favourable reaction.  NOTE: Excess EtOH will result in unfavourable results, such as pH increases above the optimum level or buildup of MeCHO, a known toxin.
  3. Transfer specimen(s) to a secure location, such as permanent or temporary living quarters, or the rear bench seat of an automobile.  If performing reaction in an automobile, ensure parking brake is engaged.  Avoid performing reaction in toilet stalls or in alley ways.  
  4. Remove all outer cladding.  Scissors may at this point be used if the manual method fails.
  5. Calibrate instrument.  This may be done either manually or by suction.  WARNING!  Excessive addition of EtOH or morphine (an advanced alternative to EtOH) will result in inability to calibrate instrument effectively!
  6. Cover instrument in protective sheathing and lubricate if necessary; lubrication is required if rear receptacle is being used.
  7. Insert sheathed instrument into front or rear receptacle, using pulsating motion until sample is obtained.
  8. Discard used protective sheathing.
  9. If at least two reactants are in acceptable condition, repeat steps five to eight as many times as desired or necessary.  If out of protective sheathing, do not begin reaction; cease experiment immediately.
  10. Return outer cladding to reactants.  Ensure that each reactant is sheathed in the outer cladding assigned to them.  Return each reactant to its designated location.
  11. Wait at least twenty-four hours before repeating experiment.  Ensure reactants are fresh; do not re-use reactants if freshness can not be determined.  Freshness is determined by lack of MeCHO buildup in reactant.
  12. Compare and write up results.

The Big Bang Drinking Game

I love to drink.  I love to drink. I. Love. To. Drink.  I LOVE TO DRINK!  I also like to watch the popular nerd comedy, Big Bang Theory, and hate that damn mentally retarded character Sheldon.  Except I only drink alone, in the morning, and small amounts every day.  I know that other drinkers may not agree with my style of drinking, so I have devised a game which puts together both my hobbies of drinking and watching Big Bang Theory.  So here goes:

Any time Penny says "sweetie", take one drink*.
Any time Sheldon knocks on Penny's door, take two drinks.
Any time Raj whispers, take two drinks.
Any time Sheldon misinterprets sarcasm, take one drink.
Any time the gang buys food, give** two drinks.
Any time Wolowitz says a pick up line, give one drink.
Any time you hear the words, "We built the pyramids", take one drink.
Any time Amy makes Penny uncomfortable, take one drink.
Any time you hear the word, "BAZINGA!", take three drinks.
Any time Wolowitz's mother yells, take two drinks.
Any time the Roommate Agreement is quoted, give two drinks.
Any time Sheldon laughs, take three drinks.
Any time anybody goes upstairs, take one drink and give one drink.
Any time Penny doesn't "get it", give two drinks.
Any time Bernadette says "Howie", give one drink.
Any time Leonard says "Here we go", take two drinks.

*A drink is here defined as one quarter gill or half of a decilitre (50 ml) of whisky, gin, cognac, or absinthe, since that's what real men drink.
** To give a drink is here defined as designating one or more people, up to the number of drinks given, who must each take the number of drinks given divided by the number of people they are given to.

Congratulations!  You will be too intoxicated to walk within fifteen minutes of the show.

Friday, May 4, 2012

College Really Isn't Necessary — Oh, Really?

So I'm looking at some random pictures on the Internet, and by random fortune I click on an article that nearly made me cry.  Lynzee [sic] Stauss, an ostensibly mature high-school student, wrote an article that channelled the worst of Rick Santorum's thoughts on university education and crossed them with a Valley Girl spirit so audacious that I wondered about her natural hair colour.  It had to be blonde.

Miss Stauss apparently believes that "girls need to be girls" in the most stereotypical manner possible: nothing but going out to eat, manicures and pedicures, and shopping, all at their husbands' expense.  Even the bills, Miss Stauss writes, should be paid out of the poor husband's pocket.  To put the final nail in the coffin of gender equality, a status that women the world over toiled to attain for over a hundred years, Miss Stauss writes that Plan B, i.e., female employment, should not be full-time or require post-secondary training to achieve.

I first thought this was a parody.  Her worldview, which some would call unconventional and I would call fucked, certainly could not be the logical, well thought-out ideas of a sharp mind.  The article was also riddled with spelling errors, and when I say article, I mean article.  This piece was clearly part of a published newspaper, and no paper I've ever seen contains a mistake for every column-inch.

As I am wont to do, however, I looked the girl up on a popular social-networking site, of which I am a member.  This is my general ritual when introduced to people—I find that their profiles often offer insight into the deepest aspects of their personality.  As soon as I saw Miss Stauss' profile, I changed my mind instantly.  The social-networking site I was using allows members to publish a short autobiographical entry, and it was to this entry I gravitated.

It was a mirror image to the newspaper article, from the tone down to the spelling and grammar errors, which I have fixed here as I present to you Miss Stauss' auto-bio line.

My name is Lynzee.  I'm 18.  I love life.  I absolutely love my boyfriend; he treats me like a princess.  He is my Prince Charming, and there is nobody out there for me better than him.  I have two of the most amazing friends, Amber and Charisma.  I don't know what I would do without them.


Here's the article in full, again with all the mistakes corrected.  As they say in university literature classes, compare and contrast.  Well, there isn't anything to contrast really: the article uses the same tone, and even the same vocabulary, as the social network bio.

College really isn't necessary


Marriage is something that every girl looks forward to during her childhood.  I believe that every girl should marry every guy that is rich so [girls would] never have to work.  Girls can just go and get their nails done and take the kids shopping.  I don't think that college is necessary, because you go to school twelve years out of your life, and, after that, you should be done.


I can understand if men want to go to school longer to get a better education to work on stuff they like to do.  Every man should have money so he can support his family.  Even if he doesn't want to get married, I think all boys should go to college.  I don't think girls should have to go to college.  They are too busy with their life and family.  I can understand if girls want to go to beauty school, because every girl should have options.  Personally, however, I don't think college is necessary, because girls need to be girls and get their nails done or go shopping.  Have a great time.  I'm not saying boys should have the life of work and distress because they are humans, but they need to work if they want to have a good life, because obviously their wives won't be bringing in the money.  I guarantee that no girl will marry a poor guy, because every girl wants the life of a princess.  When your husband gets home from work, you can go out to eat with all the money he makes, and also pay all the bills.  Girls should all have back-up plans, but nothing that is full-time, and nothing that needs college to succeed.  Maybe like a day-care out of your home.  So, girls, have fun.  Boys, start working!